So it begins now, even if in truth now it began long ago. But today I set about composing some emails to therapists local to me and I hope to find one that will work with me to assess who I am and whether it would be appropriate for me transform, from living as a man, to living as a woman.
It’s been a long trip to this point here in time. I grew up at a time when the culture at large regarded those who defied gender norms as freaks and less than human. Thankfully there has a been a slow and gradual shift towards acceptance of those who don’t neatly fit into a gender binary construct. And I wonder if there hadn’t been that gradual growth in understanding if I would be here now, typing this entry, having written those emails. How deep in denial would I be? How much would I agonize over those traits that the culture tends to label as feminine, how deeply would I bury them, only acknowledging them in the privacy of solitude, of dreams, or wistful glances at the beautiful clothes that women can wear and men are discouraged from wearing?
Of course, there is a great deal of fear about this. If I do transition, I will unsettle some the lives around me. I will unsettle myself. I may unsettle some strangers. I don’t like doing those sorts of things, I have a somewhat conservative tendency in that I like to stay in familiar surroundings and familiar routines. Those make me feel safe and I think most of us can largely agree that an important part of feeling good and happy with the self is a sense of security, that things are not fragile and tenuous, that there is at least some predictability and security to our surroundings and selves.
But so it begins and here I extend my hand out to others who don’t neatly fit into the gender binary that has predominated over Western culture. Maybe in time I’ll tell an interesting story.
I only ask that if anyone comments, they comment respectfully and humanely.
~~Izabela
Izabela, Mia Kara 