I pause for a moment, having just typed up an email for my supervisor and a contact in the HR department for the company that I work for. They already know that I am transgender and will be doing so sometime in the future, though there is no date yet set on that. It was in April that I had told my supervisor what was going on, telling her not long after that crazy day in April when I had thought I would first see the Wizard of Estradiol but hadn’t. I explained to her that that anticipated appointment had been the reason why I had taken the day off, but weird things happened and I needed to take the afternoon off the coming Tuesday.
So then she arranged with the HR department to talk with me and we had a conference call where I sat out in the parking lot in my car and on my cellphone for privacy. On that call I tell them that I’m transgender and would think it’s appropriate for them to support me with informing the client facility where I work that I will be transitioning. They recommend that I take a week off for them to come in and work with the client’s staff.
So I pause for a moment, rereading the email that asks to find out if it would be better for me to take off the last week of November or the first week of December, let the HR department do their thing or things, then I come back the following Monday as Izabela, as myself…
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The body continues to slowly change, the boobs continue to slowly grow, but also HRT is also very much changing my mind and spirit in ways that I couldn’t really anticipate even when I read about other trans women’s experiences when they started HRT. Not only is there a subtle change as I recover from what might be called testosterone poisoning of many years, there is a sensation of approaching wholeness. Perhaps that is reflected some in how my body’s perception of sexuality…
One strange thing this week. In prior weeks I’ve made mention of losing upper body strength. Yet a couple of days ago I did the intermittent chinup test after not doing so for a few weeks maybe and did 3 and probably could have done 4 if I had tried to give full effort with a final rep. I had kind of expected and hoped that I might be down to one rep…
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I unpause myself and click the email send button. Off it goes! And a day later after some other emails, I put in for time off the last week of November, the week after Thanksgiving, meaning that my last day of going to work in guy-mode will be November 22 and then on December 4th I will return to work as Izabela, as myself. I guess it’s time for me to start deciding on what my first day’s outfit will be.
And with that, I will basically be discarding the men’s wardrobe I’ve had to keep while I’ve gone through this transition phase. I cried very happy tears when I saw everything settle into place for this.
Of course I have some anxiety knowing that this will expose me potentially to bigoted perceptions and attitude and actions towards me. But mostly I feel good and have made an appointment with the therapist on the Thursday before the week I go back as Izabela, so I can tell her about any difficult things I’m feeling and she can suggest things to cope with the anxiety I might have.
And I’m also very lucky to have as my closest coworker one who already knows what I’ve been planning. I told her in the summer of 2016 about my decision and how I had recently seen a therapist about something I had kept in the closet all my life. My instincts about her proved to be right and she has been a solid ally and confidant. So she’ll be able to give me a read on how other people at work react to when news spreads about me.
It’s going to have taken nearly a year and a half, but I’ll finally be fully leaving the closet that kills.
Izabela, Mia Kara 